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Posts Tagged ‘suicide’

My Journey in Trust

According to Webster trust is defined as:

1. a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

b : one in which confidence is placed

2. a : dependence on something future or contingent : hope

I was once told that faith in God is simply active trust. Trusting that God is who he says he is, trusting that I am who God says I am, trusting that God has done what He said he has done, trusting that I can simply rest in Him.

My journey with trust began about a year and a half ago. Up until that point I often found myself telling my children when asked why they couldn’t do something, “It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust anyone.”

Broken-TrustI know where it all began: Growing up we moved nine times between the ages of three and eight, going to seven different schools by the end of my third grade year a total of ten by the time I graduated high school. The longest I spent at any one place were my three consecutive years in high school. I quickly learned that trust was something that wasn’t extended to people, places, or circumstances, because they would soon be out of my life. Opening my heart to risk being hurt, to me was like learning not to put my hand on a hot stove. It only took a couple of times before I resolved to never do that again.

So when I opened my heart to God, though it was very real, sincere, and honest, it wasn’t complete. I trusted him enough to get me to heaven, to take care of everything on the other side of eternity. Yet, when it came to things down here, where life had proven itself to be dark, I chose to take care of things on my own. Of course I would ask him to be part of things, it helped hide the blind spots of fear that so gripped my heart. Fear of: What if God isn’t who he says he is? What if I’m not who he says I am? What if in the end, he’s going to see what I see inside of me, the parts I haven’t been able to get rid of, and he too will leave? What if I am truly worthless? Without even knowing it, I had created a God to fit me. To fit what I thought I wanted, and one that fit the lies that I chose to hold onto.

395491_329223333849685_223540981_nI had gotten myself so convinced that the only place God could really hold me was in eternity. I began to fixate on it. Thinking of ways I could go be with him. I know a ‘good Christian’ isn’t supposed to think of suicide. And I did. For months I would think of ways I could make it look like an accident: How could I make sure my girls aren’t the ones to find me? What’s the quickest way to get me out of here? What can I do now to ensure everything is in place for when I leave? The questions went on…. it was beginning to consume me….

Thankfully I didn’t have the answers to all of those questions, and thankfully, God isn’t just in eternity. In the fall of 2011 I began a class called Aphesis: Immersion Experience. Where I began immersing myself in truth: truth of who God is, truth of who I am, truth of his intimate involvement in my life. I began reading books of the Bible as a whole, starting with 1Peter. A book full of hope and truth, the reality that life is hard, and that doesn’t change who God is. It was on that journey that everything changed for me. I began to release the chains of fear and law that were suffocating my soul. I began to step out and trust that God wasn’t going to leave me. That he was able to hold me here on this side of eternity. I began to simply sit, let him tell me truth, let him breath life into my soul.

When I read this passage (Galatians 3.1-14) I couldn’t help but relate to where the churches in Galatia were. To trust God enough to get things started, to trust him for what felt comfortable in trusting, and then relying myself for the rest of it. The verse, ‘for all who rely on works of the lay are under a curse.’ rang so true. That’s exactly where I was at, relying on myself, relying on my works, relying on my hope… cursed with a life of living in circles, always jumping, never able to fly, thinking it was in my power that I could change thing, I could be control, I could be safe.

In trusting that Jesus died to take all my guilt, all my shame, all my hurt, and all my pain, in holding onto hope in the truth, that is where my heart learned to be light, and I was able to learn to trust… one step at a time.

‘No distrust made him waiver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.’ Romans 4.10-21

Thank you God for your truth. Thank you for your hope. Thank you that you are bigger than anything that binds us in slavery, in hurt, in pain, in despair. Thank you that you took our guilt and shame, and that we can live in a peace of trust in you. Continue to remind me of your hope, continue to show me your truth. When I begin to fear, let me hear your sweet whispers in my ear…Jumping woman at sunset

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